I congratulated him & thanked him for all the tutoring & support he gave me all this time. If it wasn't for him, i wouldn't have been able to do it. I was so overwhelmed by happiness that day & that moment. I fell asleep soon after that & woke up around 4pm. I was so tired cos i havn't had a good nights rest since i found out the result date. I was so worried bck then... worried that i might fail again but now it's all over & things turned out well.

It's time for me to move on & start a new chapter in life but first, it's time for a Vacation!! Hahahaha.

After lunch, I accompanied my mom to the super market for our monthly grocery shopping & boy did she need me for it, cos we bought so much stuff till most of the shoppers were staring @ us. Wierdos!! I guess they are the types who buys only the stuff needed for the day. Thankfully the cab didn't take much time to arrive & we managed to get home b4 3pm.

We unpacked all the groceries & rested for 2 hrs before we had to make our way to SGH to visit my Grandma who is warded there. It was raining heavily, crowded & all my relatives that arrive b4 us had already went home when we arrived.

Frankly i'm not close with my grandparents & frankly i dun care what happens to them but it obviously means a lot for my parents so i'm being supportive by accompanying my mom. With that said, after greeting my grandma, i took out my book & read it all the way till my mom signaled that we should call it a day.

I know that it must have sounded really bad, saying that i dun care what happened to my grandparents cos they have never contributed to my life other that a formality, people i have to visit 1st during Hari Raya. After i heard about what they made my parents go through when they were newly weds.

Now after giving them so much trouble in the past, they are asking my parents to be the one responsible for taking them home & taking care of my grandparents. Seriously?! They treated us like crap in the past & now that their own children is forsaking them, they're finally buttering up my parents & finally treating them nicely just cos they are the once taking care of my grandparent now. That is bullshit, no matter how u look at it!

I know a lot has changed since then but my grandparents never actually come forward & apologized for how they treated my mom back then. That's the reason why i don't really give a damn about what happens to them. For all the suffering they've caused my parents, i think my attitude towards them is fully justified.

Anyway, we took the bus home from SGH & been going to visit my grandma almost everyday since then.

Went to Raya with Cuzzy Molly & family today. It was fun! We went to cuzzy's place 1st to have have breakfast. We then made our way to her relative's place around the same area. Her aunt kept complimenting me & kept staring @ me... i really hate the attention... made me feel awkward to be there. Flattering but Awkward. My parents & aunt ate in every single house we visited which was kinda impressive! Cos my mom usually dun eat much so i was amazed. LoL

We then made our way to Pasir Ris to go to my mom's besty's place. We took my uncle's car there like we usually do during Raya. Otw there, i can hear my mom whispering something to my aunt & dad. Then i remembered that her besty's the one who's daughter is the one who they want to intro me to. Sigh... I can't escape today... so i just kept my cool & play dumb while we made our way there.

I fell asleep in the car & woke up by the time we arrived. We made our way to their house & greeted them. The next thing i knew, i was showcased to their family... but i have to say that i'm kinda attracted to their daughter... cos ya she's hot =P

I totally forgot about the arrangement & totally forgot to workout before today. I bet she thinks i'm fat. Oh well... i'm juz gonna see what happens but if this works out, it'll be the 1st time i'll actually be dating someone i'm genuinely attracted at first sight. LoL I usually get attracted to somebody after getting to know that person. Well there's a first for everything i guess.

But i still have my doubts... especially when my aunt & cuzzy kept saying that Linda is very fierce. Pffft who do they think i am... it's ludicrous. How do u think i change so much throughout the years? It's cause of my fierce exs. I guess i need that type of girl. LoL. I kinda like it too. Hehe.

They served us dinner & while we were eating, my cuzzy kept giving me the eyebrows & my aunt kept asking what i think about the girl. Oh Am Gee!! Guyz!! Seriously!! 'shake heads' as if i'm gonna say that i'm interested in her right away. Sheesh. Can't i get to know her better? Is that too slow for u guyz?! This is serious ya noe?! Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly ever.

Her family is rich & her mom & mine are best friend. So thats a major plus to me but what i'm worried about is that... i dun even know if i can graduate from NP. The girl's from University for god sakes. Makes me feel inferior again & dat alone makes me think of my late ex who Birthday is tdy. Happy Birthday Sha, my love.

The only difference was that i was madly, truely, deeply in love with my late ex. Oh well, everything needs a first step, a start to actually go anywhere. Just that i'm kinda doubting this arrangement... I feel like i won't fit in to her family... mainly because i was sort of forced to meet her & i'm the type of guy who hates being forced to do anything. So this will take quite some time before it finally goes anywhere. LoL

Anyways... the day ended around 12+pm when we all went home. I couldn't sleep after that... msged AK(Atikah) my besty asking if she's already asleep but she didn't reply so i played games on my PS3 & now i'm writing this post.

A part of me just want to go ahead with the plan but a part of me just wants to avoid this but i have to find someone who can break down my walls before it's too late. I'm not getting any younger anyway. Sigh.

Wish i know what to do right now...

I wish i can juz pray & it'll come back but sadly it won't. There are reasons to why i'm this way & it's all bad. If i can have at least one of the things i've lost over the years, maybe juz maybe i'll have my faith back. Sounds like bribery huh? U think so? Well... i know that there are plenty of people out there who feels the same way as i do.

I have learned that if you think that your life is bad, then there's probably someone somewhere out there who's is in way worst condition & facing way tougher problems than you. But can we accept things for what they are or do we fight & find a new purpose in life? WE FIGHT!! Fight till there no more breath in us... only then will we finally give up.

Well thats how i have lived my life thus far. I thought myself not to depend on others ever since i was 16. If u want something, then work hard to get it for yourself & if you fail, don't blame others but yourself. But what if your efforts seems to be in vain? What if every tiny bit of your body is telling you that u can't do it but your mind is telling u otherwise. Which will u follow? Ur Heart or mind?

Sometimes, we have to do something stupid in our lives just because it's the right thing to do. What i'm trying to say is that, I could have quit poly life & just find a job but my very soul won't let me... not after going so far to get there... I have to finish this road no matter what. So i wish & i asked my mom to pray as hard as she can in hopes that Allah could gaze upon me & bless me with the miracle i need to pass my exams & graduate from Poly.

Ya Allah please grant this wish... then maybe just maybe my faith would fully return. There's is nothing i want more than this... well this & wanting my late ex back alive but we all know that's impossible so ya please grant this wish for me.

Your partially faithful servant;

Mirza

Anyways, i noticed that my friends are getting injured one after another. The same friends who laughed at the thought of my arms getting dislocated over just tying my shoelace . Is this karma? I guess now they'll know how hard it is to live as an injured person. Hmm lets recap how many injuries i have now in total.

1) Right eye Retinal displacement. (Eyesight still sucks after surgery)

2) Left & Right shoulder dislocated numerous times over the years.

3) Shin splints every time i run long distances.

4) Hairline fracture at lower backbone (Lower body paralysed for 2 weeks)

5) Fractured right fist

6) Broken finger

7) Broken ribs (13 times in total)

8) Broken right jaw

And people still ask me why i retired being a fighter. LoL. I guess people won't truly believe it till they actually see me walking in crutches, have a cast on or see me on a hospital bed. Fat chance of them seeing that. I won't ever let them see me in that state, mainly cos i dun like being pitied. i dun like it when people look down or feel sad looking at me. I hate that feeling...

I rather let them picture me as the ever smiling jovial & happy guy =)

I always knew this was gonna happen. It's not that i was hoping for it, NO. It's just that i was always worried for her... the thought of her quitting school to help her family has always been the outcome i pictured back when we were together & i told myself, whatever happens in the future, i'll support her 200%. I fell in love with her back then not because of her looks but because of her huge heart. Her sense of responsibility was bigger than other of my friends. Back then, family to me was just another word. I have never needed my parents, i never ask them for anything except to just leave me alone.

Back then, i used to fight with my dad whenever we started talking. Our fists will be flying & my mom will be screaming for us to stop. I worked & studied to support myself since the age of 13. Family was just something i go back to when my day ends everyday. I would just take a bath then go to sleep at the end of everyday. I rarely talk to any of my family members. I studied cos i wanted to not cos my parents wanted me to. Heck, they dun even know where i was 95% of the time.

So i learned a lot from Ani's when we were together. She thought me the true meaning of family values & responsibility. Unlike me, she's very caring towards her 5 siblings & parents. She always have that worried look when her sibling isn't doing well in school and i have always notice the look she gave me whenever i treated her or her family or when i play PSP or any games in front of her siblings. I always get scolded not to do that in front of them but for me, i always think that our future is what we make of it. If we are failing in our lives, there's no one to blame but ourselves so i just didn't listen to her.

But one things for sure, I wanted to help her anyway i can but she didn't like it one bit. In fact, she don't want me to get involved with any of her family problems & the more i tried to help, the farther i got pushed away till the day comes where she finally throws in the towel & lets me go for reasons i'm not sure of.

I was devastated but one things for certain, i still love her & i never wanted anything bad to happen to her. Whatever i said after we broke up was all to help me move on & get stronger. I never intended for her to get hurt. I even help her sister Ayu with her money problems.

I told Ayu the other day that she don't have to pay me back what she owed me & its ok. I never really cared if she paid me back in the 1st place anyway. If i can help then i will but there are some occasion where i was really short of cash due to my medical bills & checkups. I'm not working & my parents don't even know i had 3k+ hospital bills due to my operations & treatments.

When the new finally got out, it'll only be confined to my closest friends. They kept asking me where the heck did i manage to settle it on my own. LoL. It's a secret guys, but still i thank allah for allowing me to recover & blessing me with good luck. I'm eternally greatfull for everything that has happened thus far.

Anyways i'll be praying constantly for Ani to have a happy & stable future ahead of her.

Wish ya all the best princess =)

(Our happy & sad days together will never be forgotten)

(Maafkanlah segala kesalahan ku terhadap mu)

Then i find my friends telling me that maybe she has feelings for me. Oh man, its awkward. I wish she can just tell me how she feel about me cos i dun wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship with my awkward messages & screw ups. I hate the feeling of being in the middle, cos the mind set is really important. It's weird when your going out with somebody & you dunno what that is.

I really dun like this feeling that i'm doing something wrong with every message i sent. Thinking is this appropriate or isn't it. Just the other day a friend of mine suddenly messaged me asking if she could borrow my laptop for the day cos she needs it for a project cos i left it with her the whole day.

I came back around 6pm & met up with her near her place to get my laptop back. I saw her sitting at the bench under her flat & went to greet her. What happened after that made me so confused till today. She asked me why i had so many picture of my ex's & why did i still have them in my laptop.

My first question was, how did she know where my pics were? It's not exactly on my desktop. She must have done some snooping around & found it. My second question was why was it such a big problem to her that i still kept those pictures. So i told her that those pictures are my precious memories & i won't ever delete them. She then gave me an annoyed look, handed over my laptop & stomped off to take the elevator up without even saying goodbye or a simple thanks.

I was like, WTF did i do?! It's not as if she & i were officially dating rite? We have gone out on a few outings with friends. Not once have i gone out with just her alone so i was confused. The she called me ystdy asking why i'm giving her the cold shoulder. Seriously?! Me? Giving her the cold shoulder? I was just behaving as per normal, i dun remember giving anyone any cold shoulders. I though she was the one who's angry with me.

She then apologized & said that she actually wanted to make me a picture montage of us & put it on my desktop as wallpaper but then she couldn't find any picture of her on my laptop & started to take a look around for it but she came across my ex's pics instead & got pissed off.

So she got jealous... wth... So she likes me abit... Why am i always the one not noticing this kinda stuff. Then what should i do now... is this a confession? I'm so confused.

When things get awkward i'll get so nervous over every little things. So not like me at all... i hope i dun screw up anything.

Then there's this other situation i have with one of my Chinese friends from work. We got really close & she was really sweet to come all the way to Bukit Batok to accompany me to my friend's wedding. We out out the day before that too to watch Transformers 3 but what is this? I though she & her boyfriend patched things up. Is this normal? Or is this something more. I'm so used to going out with my bestfriends Pika & Hudz. So i just treat going out with girls as nothing more than friendly outings but somehow this feels different.

I wanna spend as much time with her possible even if my feet's killing me. LoL. Cos i had fun & i'm happy when i'm with her. Just liking her company, jokes & her fun personality. But then as usual, things get awkward when i'm thinking too much replying her messages.

Apparently it's normal to check our handphones every minute to see if u missed a message or a call cos lots of my friends have that problem. Now i have that problem too. LoL. Hope i get to hang out with her again soon.

That is if i dun screw things up first...