Went to Raya with Cuzzy Molly & family today. It was fun! We went to cuzzy's place 1st to have have breakfast. We then made our way to her relative's place around the same area. Her aunt kept complimenting me & kept staring @ me... i really hate the attention... made me feel awkward to be there. Flattering but Awkward. My parents & aunt ate in every single house we visited which was kinda impressive! Cos my mom usually dun eat much so i was amazed. LoL

We then made our way to Pasir Ris to go to my mom's besty's place. We took my uncle's car there like we usually do during Raya. Otw there, i can hear my mom whispering something to my aunt & dad. Then i remembered that her besty's the one who's daughter is the one who they want to intro me to. Sigh... I can't escape today... so i just kept my cool & play dumb while we made our way there.

I fell asleep in the car & woke up by the time we arrived. We made our way to their house & greeted them. The next thing i knew, i was showcased to their family... but i have to say that i'm kinda attracted to their daughter... cos ya she's hot =P

I totally forgot about the arrangement & totally forgot to workout before today. I bet she thinks i'm fat. Oh well... i'm juz gonna see what happens but if this works out, it'll be the 1st time i'll actually be dating someone i'm genuinely attracted at first sight. LoL I usually get attracted to somebody after getting to know that person. Well there's a first for everything i guess.

But i still have my doubts... especially when my aunt & cuzzy kept saying that Linda is very fierce. Pffft who do they think i am... it's ludicrous. How do u think i change so much throughout the years? It's cause of my fierce exs. I guess i need that type of girl. LoL. I kinda like it too. Hehe.

They served us dinner & while we were eating, my cuzzy kept giving me the eyebrows & my aunt kept asking what i think about the girl. Oh Am Gee!! Guyz!! Seriously!! 'shake heads' as if i'm gonna say that i'm interested in her right away. Sheesh. Can't i get to know her better? Is that too slow for u guyz?! This is serious ya noe?! Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly ever.

Her family is rich & her mom & mine are best friend. So thats a major plus to me but what i'm worried about is that... i dun even know if i can graduate from NP. The girl's from University for god sakes. Makes me feel inferior again & dat alone makes me think of my late ex who Birthday is tdy. Happy Birthday Sha, my love.

The only difference was that i was madly, truely, deeply in love with my late ex. Oh well, everything needs a first step, a start to actually go anywhere. Just that i'm kinda doubting this arrangement... I feel like i won't fit in to her family... mainly because i was sort of forced to meet her & i'm the type of guy who hates being forced to do anything. So this will take quite some time before it finally goes anywhere. LoL

Anyways... the day ended around 12+pm when we all went home. I couldn't sleep after that... msged AK(Atikah) my besty asking if she's already asleep but she didn't reply so i played games on my PS3 & now i'm writing this post.

A part of me just want to go ahead with the plan but a part of me just wants to avoid this but i have to find someone who can break down my walls before it's too late. I'm not getting any younger anyway. Sigh.

Wish i know what to do right now...

I wish i can juz pray & it'll come back but sadly it won't. There are reasons to why i'm this way & it's all bad. If i can have at least one of the things i've lost over the years, maybe juz maybe i'll have my faith back. Sounds like bribery huh? U think so? Well... i know that there are plenty of people out there who feels the same way as i do.

I have learned that if you think that your life is bad, then there's probably someone somewhere out there who's is in way worst condition & facing way tougher problems than you. But can we accept things for what they are or do we fight & find a new purpose in life? WE FIGHT!! Fight till there no more breath in us... only then will we finally give up.

Well thats how i have lived my life thus far. I thought myself not to depend on others ever since i was 16. If u want something, then work hard to get it for yourself & if you fail, don't blame others but yourself. But what if your efforts seems to be in vain? What if every tiny bit of your body is telling you that u can't do it but your mind is telling u otherwise. Which will u follow? Ur Heart or mind?

Sometimes, we have to do something stupid in our lives just because it's the right thing to do. What i'm trying to say is that, I could have quit poly life & just find a job but my very soul won't let me... not after going so far to get there... I have to finish this road no matter what. So i wish & i asked my mom to pray as hard as she can in hopes that Allah could gaze upon me & bless me with the miracle i need to pass my exams & graduate from Poly.

Ya Allah please grant this wish... then maybe just maybe my faith would fully return. There's is nothing i want more than this... well this & wanting my late ex back alive but we all know that's impossible so ya please grant this wish for me.

Your partially faithful servant;

Mirza