I always knew this was gonna happen. It's not that i was hoping for it, NO. It's just that i was always worried for her... the thought of her quitting school to help her family has always been the outcome i pictured back when we were together & i told myself, whatever happens in the future, i'll support her 200%. I fell in love with her back then not because of her looks but because of her huge heart. Her sense of responsibility was bigger than other of my friends. Back then, family to me was just another word. I have never needed my parents, i never ask them for anything except to just leave me alone.

Back then, i used to fight with my dad whenever we started talking. Our fists will be flying & my mom will be screaming for us to stop. I worked & studied to support myself since the age of 13. Family was just something i go back to when my day ends everyday. I would just take a bath then go to sleep at the end of everyday. I rarely talk to any of my family members. I studied cos i wanted to not cos my parents wanted me to. Heck, they dun even know where i was 95% of the time.

So i learned a lot from Ani's when we were together. She thought me the true meaning of family values & responsibility. Unlike me, she's very caring towards her 5 siblings & parents. She always have that worried look when her sibling isn't doing well in school and i have always notice the look she gave me whenever i treated her or her family or when i play PSP or any games in front of her siblings. I always get scolded not to do that in front of them but for me, i always think that our future is what we make of it. If we are failing in our lives, there's no one to blame but ourselves so i just didn't listen to her.

But one things for sure, I wanted to help her anyway i can but she didn't like it one bit. In fact, she don't want me to get involved with any of her family problems & the more i tried to help, the farther i got pushed away till the day comes where she finally throws in the towel & lets me go for reasons i'm not sure of.

I was devastated but one things for certain, i still love her & i never wanted anything bad to happen to her. Whatever i said after we broke up was all to help me move on & get stronger. I never intended for her to get hurt. I even help her sister Ayu with her money problems.

I told Ayu the other day that she don't have to pay me back what she owed me & its ok. I never really cared if she paid me back in the 1st place anyway. If i can help then i will but there are some occasion where i was really short of cash due to my medical bills & checkups. I'm not working & my parents don't even know i had 3k+ hospital bills due to my operations & treatments.

When the new finally got out, it'll only be confined to my closest friends. They kept asking me where the heck did i manage to settle it on my own. LoL. It's a secret guys, but still i thank allah for allowing me to recover & blessing me with good luck. I'm eternally greatfull for everything that has happened thus far.

Anyways i'll be praying constantly for Ani to have a happy & stable future ahead of her.

Wish ya all the best princess =)

(Our happy & sad days together will never be forgotten)

(Maafkanlah segala kesalahan ku terhadap mu)

Then i find my friends telling me that maybe she has feelings for me. Oh man, its awkward. I wish she can just tell me how she feel about me cos i dun wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship with my awkward messages & screw ups. I hate the feeling of being in the middle, cos the mind set is really important. It's weird when your going out with somebody & you dunno what that is.

I really dun like this feeling that i'm doing something wrong with every message i sent. Thinking is this appropriate or isn't it. Just the other day a friend of mine suddenly messaged me asking if she could borrow my laptop for the day cos she needs it for a project cos i left it with her the whole day.

I came back around 6pm & met up with her near her place to get my laptop back. I saw her sitting at the bench under her flat & went to greet her. What happened after that made me so confused till today. She asked me why i had so many picture of my ex's & why did i still have them in my laptop.

My first question was, how did she know where my pics were? It's not exactly on my desktop. She must have done some snooping around & found it. My second question was why was it such a big problem to her that i still kept those pictures. So i told her that those pictures are my precious memories & i won't ever delete them. She then gave me an annoyed look, handed over my laptop & stomped off to take the elevator up without even saying goodbye or a simple thanks.

I was like, WTF did i do?! It's not as if she & i were officially dating rite? We have gone out on a few outings with friends. Not once have i gone out with just her alone so i was confused. The she called me ystdy asking why i'm giving her the cold shoulder. Seriously?! Me? Giving her the cold shoulder? I was just behaving as per normal, i dun remember giving anyone any cold shoulders. I though she was the one who's angry with me.

She then apologized & said that she actually wanted to make me a picture montage of us & put it on my desktop as wallpaper but then she couldn't find any picture of her on my laptop & started to take a look around for it but she came across my ex's pics instead & got pissed off.

So she got jealous... wth... So she likes me abit... Why am i always the one not noticing this kinda stuff. Then what should i do now... is this a confession? I'm so confused.

When things get awkward i'll get so nervous over every little things. So not like me at all... i hope i dun screw up anything.

Then there's this other situation i have with one of my Chinese friends from work. We got really close & she was really sweet to come all the way to Bukit Batok to accompany me to my friend's wedding. We out out the day before that too to watch Transformers 3 but what is this? I though she & her boyfriend patched things up. Is this normal? Or is this something more. I'm so used to going out with my bestfriends Pika & Hudz. So i just treat going out with girls as nothing more than friendly outings but somehow this feels different.

I wanna spend as much time with her possible even if my feet's killing me. LoL. Cos i had fun & i'm happy when i'm with her. Just liking her company, jokes & her fun personality. But then as usual, things get awkward when i'm thinking too much replying her messages.

Apparently it's normal to check our handphones every minute to see if u missed a message or a call cos lots of my friends have that problem. Now i have that problem too. LoL. Hope i get to hang out with her again soon.

That is if i dun screw things up first...

My results are not exactly good but i just want to pass & graduate. I've had it with school & have been thinking about working when everything ends. I sure can't wait for that to happen but i'm sure more trials & tribulations will be waiting for me down that path too.

Hope & pray everything goes smoothly. I sure as heck dun wanna get retained.

1) My parents doesn't approve of her.

2) The girl ends up being paranoid due to the fact that my best friends include 4 girls.

3) The girl not accepting the fact that i still keep all the pics taken with all my exs.

4) The girl not accepting the fact that the person i love the most is someone who's no longer in this world.

5) The girl having commitment issues.

6) The girl is too scared to realize that my love for her is real & not just words.

7) The girl is too concerned about her family background to realize that i dun mind it at all.

8) The girl is too concerned about the fact that my Mom is overprotective to see that i want to be with her no matter what.

9) The girl cares too much about herself to see that i'm loosing interest in her.

10) The girl saying that i'm too perfect & saying i deserve someone better than her when all i ever wanted was her.

11) The girl forgot that what matters in a relationship is trust & started doubting everything i say to her just because her friend made her think that i was cheating on her.

Why can't i be given a soul mate like all those lucky bastards out there. Sometimes i wish i was like those people who can easily forget their past & move on in a blink of an eye. But i can't... cos the moment i fall for someone, the moment i give my heart to someone, it stays that way till the day death takes me. every single girl i fall in love with have their memories imprinted in my heard & mind.

But at least i remember all the lessons i learned from every experience i had in the past. Hope & pray i'm not dun enough to repeat the same mistakes in the future.